24 September 2013 ~ 0 Comments

How (Not) To Bring Down The Immigrant Youth Movement

The following is a guest post from Lindsay Schubiner, my partner.

Step 1. Make sure you have no responsibilities in life so that you can devote all your time to your god-given duty to let everyone know that some immigrants have political opinions and tell really funny jokes.

Step 2. Set up a virtual law office so that you can fool people into thinking you are a real lawyer. The other alternative is to set up a fake political party so you can convince people that you actually have some political clout.

Step 3. Don’t bother to learn about how real social movements operate. Surely these kids can be brought down by spinning their satirical jokes into accusations of cannibalism and anarchism.

Step 4. This part is very important. Find a prominent yet ignorant, weak-willed, and insecure white man. Manipulate him into providing you with cover for your, shall we say, “passionate” pursuit of information about undocumented youth.

Step 5. Be sure to choose your targets wisely. Excellent targets include:

  • People who have nothing to lose;
  • People who don’t make decisions about movement actions;
  • People who don’t care about you or your far right-wing friends;
  • People who are respected, supported, and, most importantly, well-connected;
  • Poster children supported by prominent politicians who are champions of your cause.

Step 6. Attack these targets relentlessly. Make sure you know and read everything they have ever written, anywhere and at any time. Make sure you monitor all their online actions during every waking moment. Don’t sleep.

Step 7. Align yourself with the extreme right wing. Be sure to base your attacks on xenophobic, nativist, racist, homophobic, and Islamophobic stereotypes. Surely then, everyone will realize that immigrant youth are the enemy of comprehensive immigration reform!

Step 8. Make sure your attacks are outlandish enough that they provide countless hours of entertainment and fun for your targets.

Step 9. Make sure to publicly accuse your targets of serious crimes. Hopefully, the DOJ will see your accusations and do something! Don’t worry about those future defamation lawsuits. Pile it on! After all, you have prominent lawyer friends to defend you.

Step 10. Post online the addresses, photos, and personal information of your targets, along with some facts (well, you can stretch that part) that are sure to rile up the vigilante racists. Hope that they will do the rest of the work for you.

Step 11. When your targets file an order of protection against you for stalking, show up to defend your fundamental American right to stalk and harass undocumented immigrants in the name of immigration reform.

Step 12. Scratch your head and wonder why you haven’t brought down the immigrant youth movement yet.

Much love and peace.

%d bloggers like this: