Till We Meet Again – Bette and Tina – Chapter 25

2 weeks Later,
Grand Central

“What now, Bette?”

Once again, they found themselves sitting on a bench, albeit at a train station, at crossroads in their lives. Their destinations were indeed, in opposite directions with Bette waiting to board the Flushing Local going West before transferring to the Seventh Avenue Express going North and Tina going South on the Sixth Avenue line. But even as they were forced to travel in opposite directions away from each other, they would travel on the same path for life.

Bette and Tina would elect the same path out of the two options that lay in front of them. One path led to a life of compromise, unbearable pain and separation. The other was no more enticing—a path that led to an uncertain future paved with heartache for their most cherished and loved ones. Bette and Tina were well-hinged and certain. They believed deep down that there was little chance of forming an everlasting foundation of true love and happiness even if they took the latter path, even if they gave in to their hearts. Instead, they sat together in the comfortable silence and gathering darkness knowing they were about to forego their happiness, believing that there was only one path to take—the path that would lead them away from the love of their lives.

“Now…?” Bette smiled wryly, biting her lip. She gazed lovingly at Tina, drinking up the sight before her, and looked away. The pain was so much that she could not even shed a tear.

“It was important to admit that we love each other…that we are in love with each other so we admitted it,” Bette shrugged matter-of-factly even as her insides crumbled. She dare not hope for anything more and have those hopes be crushed.

Tina sniffled. The unshed tears in her eyes threatened to break lose at any second, the torrent of emotions within her too overwhelming to hold onto much longer.

“And what did we gain from that?”

I found the love of my life only to know that it belongs to someone else while I belong to another. Would it be better to never find true love if it is like this, under these circumstances?

Tina did not have an answer to her own questions.

“I don’t know what we gained Tee…,” Bette bit her lip again, hesitantly. “But I do know that we would have lost something had we kept lying to ourselves and each other.”

Tina smiled and a small tear escaped from her right eye, cascading down her cheek that she brushed aside before turning her face to look back up at Bette. “Then why does it feel like I have lost something so dear, something that I never even had?”

You cannot lose something that was never yours to begin with right? So why am I tormented with this sense of loss and pain?

“You know Bette…This…” she swallowed hard trying to find the right words, give their love a name that would not be demeaning to anyone. Friendship? Ha, they were long past that. Relationship? No, it was something less than that but perhaps more fundamentally. She took a deep breathe, waving her hand around, willing Bette to understand, who nodded, “what we have…it has no future.”

Again, Bette nodded in understanding.

“Yes I know. I am not here to ask you to leave your marriage … your family … the life you know. And I don’t think we can pretend to be just friends anymore. That’s why we … this … everything needs to be abandoned here, on this beautiful note.

Love may be a symphony but symphonies do come to an end.

The words stabbed at Tina’s heart, as she bled anew and fresh tears cascaded down her cheeks.

Bette smiled sadly. “One last cup of coffee?” She raised her eyebrow at Tina smirking at the many memories of them drinking coffee together, how Tina held the cup with both hands, extra careful about not spilling one drop. Tina smiled back, her own thoughts racing past Bette to the first time Bette had asked her out for coffee and she had found living in a summer house in Antarctica more appealing.

They both shook their heads together, “No…”
The first cup of coffee is what led them down this road. Another cup would simply regurgitate the forbidden path.

Tina reached out to play with the unruly curls, run her fingers through them one last time. “Can you do me one last favor?”

“Anything.” Her deep soulful eyes confirmed the weight of that one word.

“Can you promise me that you will take care of yourself?”

“Only if you promise me the same.”

Silence. And then…

“Yeah …”

“Ok…”

A lull in conversation followed as they reveled in the silent company of the other, for one final time.

Announcement: Flushing Local train now approaching Platform 1.

Tina sat unmoving on the bench, her hands intertwined, fingers gripping and shaking from raw emotion. She could only whisper, all strength leaving her. “Your train.”

Bette sighed, puffing her cheeks and blowing out softly. “No…this isn’t my train anymore. I am planning to stop traveling by train. Maybe buy myself a new car. A nice new blue Saab…Yeah.”

Tina smiled at the thought of Bette behind the wheels of a blue Saab honking and cursing at the other drivers to get out of her way.

When Tina did not say anything but seemed faraway with a tiny smile gracing her lips, Bette continued. “You like blue?” I don’t even know her favorite color.

Tina turned to look at Bette. Why does it matter Bette? Why are you asking me now?

“I like blue…” Bette confirmed, now fiddling with her handbag as Tina only looked on, the lump in her throat preventing her from speaking. Just so you know…

“Time to go.” Bette could no longer prolong this torture and reached for her handbag, standing up tall and unwavering as Tina absent-mindedly reached for her own bag, stumbling up to her feet somehow.

Once again, the two soul-mates parted ways, disappearing amongst the myriad of faces to become strangers to one another.

12 Days Ago

Temporary insanity.

It has to be, there was no other explanation.

Hot sprays pelted her skin, providing little relief for the torment raging within her. The beautiful blonde hair dripping down her face like a curtain, did not shield her from the realities of her actions.

She was going insane. No, she was insane.

What kind of woman, straight or gay, would pick Bette—arrogant, rude, bitter, angry—Porter over Eric?

The correct answer: an insane one.
Eric was kind, gentle, successful, loving, good-looking, intelligent, with no real bad habits or draw backs. Alright, so he may sometimes leave his shoes in the corridor to trip over, forget to put his towels in the right place after using them, and once in a while, not use a coaster under his beer, but these lapses were insignificant. He was easy to get along with and comfortable. Safe. Maybe even a bit boring.

Then.

Bette. Bette Porter. The name and face both aroused an involuntary burning ache within Tina. Not boring. Not safe. Dangerous and exciting, her forbidden fruit.

She was almost the anti-thesis of Eric. Kind, loving and gentle? No, more like brash, irritating, rude, misanthropic for the most part with overdoses of misplaced anger.
Ok wait, scratch that. She could be all those things in the most endearing ways – ways Tina would rather not think about right now.

Successful? Almost at 40 and still trying to be someone.
Wait, she was brilliant and talented and unlike Eric, was not born with her silver spoon in her mouth. Bette was fearless and unswerving in her convictions; she stood up for what she believed in and was passionate about those beliefs. Plus points.

Good-looking and intelligent? She took in a sharp breathe. Skip.

Alright, so Bette had her plus points. But there were certainly more in the minus column when it came down to personality. On paper, there was no comparison – Eric won hands down. And yet reality was something else. It defied logic, but who said love was logical?

Tina didn’t realize how much time had passed till she felt the icy cold sprays that drew protest from the pores of her skin. Gingerly, she placed her hands against the shower wall, getting up and shutting off the shower head before stepping out and reaching for her robe.

Try as she might, she could not stop thinking about her beautiful brunette. She felt marked, even possessed—there was no scarlet letter on her skin, but she could sense the judgment of others already. Everyone she met or passed by seemed to know her secret, judge and scrutinize her. Bette Porter. The name and image were both tattooed across her heart, probably even part of her genetic code.

When had Bette become everything that Tina desired and wanted in life? When had she swept down and swept Tina off her feet, jerking her out of the comforts of her heterosexual privileging?

Tina had many questions but few answers to them.

With the mirror defogger switched on, Tina stared at reflection of the woman in the mirror. A line of water ran down her matted hair, down her neck, chasing the line of her collarbone and disappearing into her robe. She saw a familiar-looking woman alright, but she could not recognize her, save for the emptiness in her eyes.

“Admit it Tina…Your life is empty, unfulfilling.” Bette had said as she drew her in, came closer to her. “Acceptance is the first step. I can see the emptiness in your eyes, just as you can see the same emptiness reflecting back in mine.

Tears sprung easily to her eyes and she shut them tightly, covering her ears with her hands, willing the sharp reminder to go away, willing Bette to go away.

What had started out as an antagonist relationship of mutual gain had turned into one of mutual loss.

She had betrayed everyone that mattered to her in pursuit of her own … selfishness? Happiness? Maybe even a bit of revenge over misplaced anger? At the end of the day, any causal relationship between her emotions and actions mattered little—what mattered were the consequences of those actions.

She had cheated on Eric. She had cheated Bette. And as she stared at her reflection, the weak and cowardly woman who was too afraid to face the world, she was cheating herself.

12 Days Ago

A leggy blonde in short skirts walked down the hallway. She hesitated when she reached the office at the far end. She cleared her mind, took in a deep breathe and knocked.

“Come in…” said a voice that sounded too weak to belong to Bette Porter.

“Hi, Professor Porter? I came to… Oh my god, Are you alright?” she covered her face in shock and concern.

“Nadia?” Bette croaked, as she looked up from her computer screen. “No wait, don’t come in just yet.

“She walks in. I no longer need my pain pills.
Looks are deadly enough to kill.”

She grinned from her computer. At least some part of her—the disgruntled misanthrope—was having fun.

“What?” Nadia was perplexed. Did Professor Porter just compliment me?

“Yes, you can walk out now. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out”

“You seem ill. Should you even be here?” Nadia ignored her, noting the dark circles under her eyes, pile of tissues on her desk, the disheveled appearance. But no matter what, Bette Porter always managed to look good.

“Nonsense. I don’t get sick.” Bette sneezed and blew her nose on a tissue. “There are just allergies. Sometimes I get them when I am around certain people,” she eyed Nadia pointedly.

Nadia blushed under her gaze. “I came to apologize for the other day. Your wife is really very beautiful. I can see why you love her so much.”

“Huh?” To say Bette was confused was an understatement.

“Could you tell her that I am sorry? And that it won’t ever happen again. Please.”

“Um, sure, no problem. Is that all?” Bette thanked the heavens for their unforeseen kindness.

“Yes, thank you for listening Ms. Porter.” And with that she walked out, not bothering to add more sway to her hips. Bette was firmly off-the-market.

Bette opened her desk drawer, revealing a framed picture of Alice and her from their commitment ceremony so many years ago.

“My wife…”

10 Days Ago

“Dad you seriously need to start taking care of yourself! You’ve already had two-heart attacks and now the doctors are saying that your blood pressure is too high?! Wait till Eric finds out.”

Finally, Tina had cause to put Bette to rest in her mind (if only for a few seconds) and take her anger out at her godfather, her father.

She paced up and down the room, fully animated and energized as Jack watched on, amused.

“You do know that you are the only family I have besides Eric right? Why aren’t you taking better care of yourself? Why do you want to make me an orphan all over again?”

“It’s just blood pressure…”

“No…” she plopped down on the living room couch beside Jack and buried her face in her hands, crying softly.

“You’ve given me so much love… so much, that sometimes I forget about my real parents until…” she touched her gold chain with the cross, as she tried to get control of her voice. “And then I feel guilty. Is that why you are punishing me? Is that why God is punishing me?”

Jack instantly drew her into his arms. “Now don’t be silly my little munchkin. You have done nothing wrong. No one wants to punish you. Calm down, please.”

“I’m not little anymore…” Tina sniffled.

“You were when you came to live with us…” Jack smiled at the memory. “We were so happy to have a girl… Don’t get me wrong. Eric is a good boy, but you know men take longer to mature. Look at me…”

“Tell me about it…” Tina chuckled and rolled her eyes. “We had a fight the other said and he said some awful things…Now he says he didn’t mean them but I can’t help but think that if he said them in anger, then maybe those are his true feelings. Aren’t people more honest when they get angry?”

She thought back to Bette…her angry outburst at the train station…Anger that had played such a crucial role in bringing out those deeply-buried feelings.

“What did my good-for-nothing boy do now?” He really needed to beat some sense into Eric.

“Nothing …”

“Fine, don’t tell me. But knowing from experience, if you are upset, he must have said or done something really stupid.”

“How can you say that?” Tina frowned. Wasn’t she at fault too?

“Because you are my princess and you cannot do anything wrong.”

Tina visibly stiffened in his arms.

“I love you Tina…And you love me too.”

She eased out of his grip and sat up straight, the color draining from her cheeks as she heard those words replaying in her head like a mantra. After she bolted on the night of their anniversary, Tina had avoided Bette—avoided her phone calls, text messages, emails, and even stopped catching the train. She would rather drive than risk the chance to run into Bette again. She felt guilty about the kiss, but the absence of one, made her feel worse.

“What…what if I do something that you don’t like? What if I fail you? What if I am wrong? Will you love me less?”

She couldn’t fathom losing her family…She couldn’t. Not again.

“No Tina. I trust you.” He took her hand in his, trying to reassure her.

“I know being with Eric isn’t easy. He is still very childish and immature. And maybe I am responsible for that because I gave him so much love that since his childhood he thinks he has a right to everyone’s love and affection no matter what. He doesn’t realize maybe, that love, unconditional love, cannot be requested, it has to be given…”

“Tell me you don’t feel this connection between us. Tell me you don’t feel what we do to each other. Tell me that you don’t love me!”

Tina closed her eyes as hot tears spilled down her cheek. It was futile to block Bette out after all this time. She tried to focus on what Jack was saying as pertaining to Eric, but kept coming back to Bette. Not seeing her for even a day was killing her, how would she handle a lifetime? She needed Bette, almost like a crack addict needed their fix. The ‘want’ she could handle, but the need threatened to overwhelm her, break her lofty resolve.

“…so whatever happened between the two of you, should not have happened.”

“Bette…I love you too.”

She turned to Jack, remembering the confession, the brief but all-consuming kiss, the mutual grieving and parting in silence and tears.

“…fights happen in every marriage. Distances can grow between any two people, but I know and trust you to resolve these differences. After all, you are my child. You won’t let these distances tear you apart.”

He punched her shoulder lightly, coaxing her to punch him back.

“Ouch…”

8 Days Ago
The Planet, Los Angeles

Alice sat in The Planet, sipping only her sixth cup of coffee for the day, large sunglasses shielding her eyes from the glaring light of day. She couldn’t decide whether Bette was worse or the mini-Bettes pounding in her head in the form of a hangover. She stared at the mural on the wall next to her…a mural that she and Bette had put together in much happier times.

Her headache resided and a slight smile graced her lips as she thought back to the day, years ago, when she had volunteered with Bette to help her put together some art pieces for the walls at the then-newly established Planet. Help? No, hindrance was more like it. Bette had wanted something bold, contemporary and yet comforting—something that would blend nicely with the urban, sophisticated customers that Kit wanted. Alice of course, had suggested that Bette should give the Planet have a gay-friendly feel … The result? Well, things certainly got colorful when Alice used Bette as her own personal canvas, splattering and flinging paint all over her. Bette, shocked at first but not to be outdone, had made sure to spray some of her paint tubes at Alice and then both took turns at practically demolishing the Planet in their ‘action painting.’

Needless to say, Kit was not pleased with her ‘kids,’ and their free coffee privileges suspended for several days to pay for the fixing of the walls and furniture, until Alice faked breaking down in jest, and threatened to buy coffee at the competing coffee house! Bette coaxed her on while assuring Kit that her competitor was sure to lose customers with Alice around so all was good.

“Thinking about someone special?” Kit broke Alice out of her trance-like state.

Alice bit her lip, jerked and almost spilling the coffee. “Ouch…”

Her eyebrows shot up. “Yes, how very special.”

“You need to talk to her. Call her. Let her know that she is an a$$ but at least say something” Kit took a seat opposite her.

“Kit, why are we even discussing this? It’s obvious—Bette is your sister, of course you will side with her! You always seem to find some sort of excuse for her behavior!

“Grrl, you know that ain’t true. I know my baby sister has a problem …”

Alice shot Kit a warning glare as if to say A problem?

“…ok…” Kit sighed and put up her hand, imploring Alice to listen without objecting. “I agree with you, we know you are right. So she has a big problem, multiple problems. More issues than all your magazines put together. She’s far from perfect, but the fact remains that she loves you.”

“No, Kit. The thing is, it wouldn’t matter to me how many problems or issues Bette had, how many broken limbs she possessed, or what piece of … she painted, as long as I was certain that she loved me, that she was in love with me. But now I am not even sure about that.”

Alice, continued, shaking her head, her shoulders sagged in defeat. “I was honest. I told her that the only thing I couldn’t figure out was whether she resented my success more or hated her failures more? She had no answer Kit. She stood there and didn’t say a word, retreating back into that shell. And you want me to reach out to her again? Sorry that isn’t about to happen.”

“But, no one’s sayin’ that you’re wrong. I know you’re in the right. But Alice, how is the situation going to change if you both keep being so stubborn and unwilling to compromise?”

“No, listen to me Kit. Things will only change when Bette decides to change. And that’s probably not going to happen.”

Alice got up abruptly signaling an end to the conversation, gathering up her belongings and heading for the door as Kit watched on, not sure what to say.

“Alice… Alice, wait!” Her patrons were surely getting more for their coffee and muffins today.

She swiveled around, removing her sun-glasses to reveal her bloodshot eyes. “Kit, please. I am tired. I have tried to hard to understand her, to come close to her, from the very first day, I have struggled to crack her defenses, to pull down her walls. One fine day, she decided to take some steps back, to retreat from this relationship.”

Kit stood up, approaching Alice while ignoring the prying eyes on them. “She hasn’t retreated Alice, just slowed down while you’ve raced on ahead. Give her time to catch up, to get out of her rut. Wait for her”

“Why Kit? Why should I wait for her? The Bette Porter I married was not slow or weak.”

“She isn’t. But your relationship is—you’ve to give your relationship time and strength, to grow strong again and mature just like a plant that needs support after a bad drought till it gets enough nutrients to stand on its own…”

“And one day wilt and die…No Kit, I’m not giving this relationship anything until Bette gives me the love and respect I deserve.” That was final as far as Alice was concerned.

Kit sighed in defeat. “Wait, where are you going?”

“Tennis lessons. With Dana Fairbanks,” flashing a triumphant grin as she headed out.

The day suddenly seemed brighter as she emerged out of her heavily-caffeinated prison of thoughts.

6 Days Ago
Kamikaze PR-Firm

Almost 3000 miles across the continent, someone else was planning an escape from his own prison.

“Going somewhere, my son?”

Jack walked into the large, expansive office, unannounced as usual and plopped down on the comfortable leather couch.

“Hello Dad. No ladies on you arm today? Where’s your Thursday?” He shoved the latest project documents into his briefcase, trying to fit everything into the already jam-packed case.

Jack took a moment to observe Eric, trying to somehow compartmentalize his life, to make everything fit into place the way he wanted things to. It was only unfortunate for Eric that he could not mold people into his life in a similar manner.

“See, I came to talk to you about some trouble in that department. This one special lady in particular…but you haven’t answered my question.”

“Los Angeles. 15 days. Have some events to organize.” Eric nodded, only half-listening. Soon, he realized that the older man was simply observing him, silent judgment echoing in his eyes.

“Do you need something?” he snapped impatiently.

Eric did not need this right now – Just when he thought that things with Tina would get better; they had gotten worse. After sharing a tumultuous yet passionate night together, Tina retreated into her cold, indifferent shell instead of opening up leaving Eric more puzzled, confused and bitter than before. The Tina he knew was at least gracious and made an active effort to keep their relationship; this new one was mostly sullen, dejected, smiled half-heartedly and lost in her own world. Hatred he could handle, even emotional torment and anger, but her indifference cut through him like a knife.

Jack broke into his train of thoughts. “Yes, son. I need you to slow down, to listen and to understand her. What you said to her the other night…”

Eric groaned inwardly. He sometimes resented the fact that Tina and his Dad were so close. Of all the women in the world, did you have to fall for the one that always had Jack Lively to her rescue for anything and everything? He seriously had to draw some lines.

“What was said to her was between a husband and a wife. There were some things that I admit, I should not have said. Fine. But there were some things that I needed to get off my chest, some very important things. Please Dad, I would rather you not interfere into our personal lives.”

“I am not here as your Dad only Eric. Not that she sent me here, but I’m Tina’s father as well. Please, at least have some respect for that relationship if you can’t listen to me out of respect. Just try to understand her…”

Eric slammed his briefcase. “Fine, Dad. You tell me. How do I understand a heart that has no place for me in it? I’m all ears.”

Jack scoffed. “THAT is absolutely not true. She loves you a lot…Just look into her eyes at anytime. Who else can all that love be for?”

“I wish the love in her eyes would reach her lips, even once in a while. Dad, I tell her everyday that I love her…I tell her how much I love her. Has she ever said it to me?” His voice was quivering and desperate, pleading to his father to understand him as well.

“I have done nothing but try to make her happy. She wants a child—fine, so do I, I want us to have a baby together, to expand our family, but Dad, just because we have had problems in that area, Tina has cut herself off from me. Hell, forget about me. She has cut herself off from all her friends—she won’t admit it, but she holds the world and all of us at arms length. We can try artificial insemination again, TODAY even, we have the deposit at the bank. We can have a test-tube baby or pay someone to carry a child for us—I am willing to do everything and anything. She doesn’t want to hear it and insists on doing things her way. She doesn’t even want or enjoy having sex just because of this tiny problem. But she is wrong, dead wrong, if she thinks that I love or value her any less because of her inability to give me a child. You should know Dad—you didn’t raise me to be that kind of a guy.” He was near tears by the end of his outburst.

Jack had nothing to say to this — he came to stick up for Tina, but regardless, Eric had his own way of seeing things.

Eric smiled dejectedly. “Sorry Dad…I just can’t take it anymore…I can’t.

He pushed the glass doors and strode out of the room as Jack looked on helplessly.

Maybe some days away would make Tina miss him. Maybe she would realize she loved him and would express it more often. What do they say? Yes, absence makes the heart grow fonder.

4 days ago
Somewhere in New York

Her heart had certainly grown fonder.

“Helena, I can’t continue this. I can’t work for you anymore.”

“Why not my dear, I thought we had a deal—an agreement? It’s only a while longer. Are you having second thoughts? We aren’t through with the procedures and bailing now could be detrimental to your health and safety.”

“No…I just didn’t realize that this would get out of hand. I gave you the pictures, what else do you need? Show them to Alice, and you will be well on your way to get what you want.”

“Those pictures aren’t enough. They may as well be doctored. I need more evidence. Alice would need evidence beyond reasonable doubt. Besides, I’m not used to hearing no for an answer. If you back away now, you can kiss your dreams goodbye.”

Silence.

“I will do it. But not because you are threatening me; I could care less about myself. I need some type of reassurance…”

“What now?”

“Bette … Let me deal with her in my own way.”

2 days ago

When Alice left for Los Angeles, she would never have thought that Bette would let the house get as rundown as it was presently: unwashed dishes piled high in the sink, the laundry was unwashed, the trash can littered and spilling over with take-out food and the whole house reeked of alcohol. The situation was no better outside—the lawn and hedges were in desperate need of a trim, newspapers were littered outside the garage and the mail was overflowing. It was a complete travesty that no one had called City Council by now.

Inside, Bette sat oblivious to her surroundings, in her white tank top and black yoga pants, drowning herself in alcohol, flicking mindlessly through the channels, angrily mumbling, “Whoever said ‘parting is such sweet sorrow’ obviously had no idea what he was talking about.”

Bette had made little effort to get in touch with Alice. As things stood, Kit had made her dissatisfaction with Bette quite clear. Was Alice considering a divorce? At this point, she would acquiesce. There was little left to salvage in this relationship. Kit seemed to believe that Alice just needed a little time on her own to heal. Bette was secretly glad for her absence—the blonde could take as much time as she wanted away from Bette. At the same time, Bette was not about to pack and leave this house. Yes, Alice may earn more than her now, but they had bought this home together, built it together and shared many years here. No, she would wait for Alice to come back and then face the dreaded talk.

Her head hurt from the hangover—a state that she had revisited time and again over the past week. Yet, her heart hurt more from the absence of one. She was on the path to self-destruction once again—something that her tryst with Tina had put a stop to, but now accelerated as that relationship had dissolved.

Dissolved? It might as well be called that. Tina had not called, visited or dropped by unannounced at any point. Bette had received no answer to her texts, voice mails or phone calls. She did not even see Tina at the train station anymore. It seemed as if the blonde had disappeared off the face of the earth.

For days, she had wondered whether she would hear from her love again. Bette certainly did not want to push—she had debated about going to her school and demanding to speak to her, obviously a bad idea and thankfully, she hadn’t acted on it yet. She wondered if Tina hated her, if she had been repulsed by the kiss. Had she scared her all the way back to Heteroville?

Bette was unclear as to whether Tina was even gay. The blonde had never mentioned any casual encounters or relationships with other women. All Bette knew was that when she looked into those hazel eyes, she only saw love for her. The same love that she saw in the mirror each day. That is how she knew beyond a shadow of doubt that her T was also in love with her.

She scowled as the weather channel pretended to predict the weather for the gazillionth time and ESPN commentators went ga-ga over yet another black man scoring a basket in the NBA. On CNN, the newscasters were revealing the latest line of Barack Obama action doll figures even as the presumed Democrat Presidential nominee smiled, waved and delivered yet another memorized stump speech with the same old punch-lines and talking points.

“Change?” Bette grunted. “I obviously don’t hear the same news everyone else does.”

“Everything is perfect now…” Bette almost fell off the sofa as her cell-phone blared loudly, interrupting her thought process. She swore loudly and answered without checking to see who it was.

“Damnit, Kit, I am not going to ask Alice to come back home! Stop bugging me about it. I have more important things to do with my time.”

“Didn’t take you long to forget my name…”

Bette gasped. The voice on the other end signaled a high spike of adrenaline shooting through her body. Her mouth was dry, heart racing faster than she could remember. She could almost feel the pulse in her neck.

“Umm… Tina… Achoo!! Hi… Don’t be silly,” Bette croaked into the phone. She still had an untreated cold and maybe a slight fever, not that she bothered to get it checked out. But the croaking was probably all due to the Tina virus.

“Hi…” she frowned, concerned about Bette. “Are you ok?”

“Is that what you called to ask?”

“No… actually … you sound ill.”

“What nonsense, Bette Porter doesn’t do ill. Achoooooo!”

“Bette!”

“Tchoooooo! Hey that was good, it almost sounded like tissue, damn, even my sneezes are smart.” Bette sniffled.

“Where are you? Where is Alice?”

“Home. Al, gone to LAshoooooooo!”

Alice had left Bette? What was happening here?

“Stay there! I am coming.”

“Wow…” More words that Bette had longed to hear.

“NO! Don’t even THINK about it.”
Tina rolled her eyes. In many ways, Bette was like a typical guy at times. She had a big head, thick skull, and a one-track mind.

“Ok, but I was only going to ask you to spare the disinfectants and get some menthol eucalyptus drops, lotion tissue, the nice-tasting children’s cough mixture, some black market Vicodin…”

“I am NOT drug peddling for you. Why do you need vicodin? Are you in pain too?” she asked, her concern tripling. Had Bette hurt herself?

“Yeah, this blonde wounded my heart…”

“Bette…” Tina warned.

“Oh please Tina, get over yourself. I just want to be Dr. House’s pill-popping buddy. It’s my life ambition to emulate him, don’t you know already?”

“For someone who hates pop-culture references, you certainly watch too much television for your own health.”

“For someone who spends almost two weeks avoiding me actively, you sure don’t sound like you really want to keep your distance.”

An awkward silence followed her retort.

Bette sighed. “We do need to talk Tina. You’ve been avoiding me.”

“No I haven’t…”

“No…You haven’t returned any of my calls, texts, drop by my office unannounced and I don’t even see you at the train station anymore. Did you stop taking the train?” her tone a tad bit too sharp and accusatory.

“Do you blame me?” Tina shot back.

Her eyebrows shot up and softening her tone, Bette added, “No T, no one is blaming you. You have not done anything wrong. I am just concerned … Are we going to pretend like nothing happened?

“What happened? Nothing happened.” Her heart and mind both belied her.

“Oh, okay. What do you want to do? Play a game of pretenses. Lets do it. Tina, nothing happened between us. You just took too much bourbon at night and had the most beautiful dream ever. But don’t do it again for repeat performance is not guaranteed.”

“I can’t believe you can make a joke about this. No wait, scratch that, I can!” Tina yelled into the phone.

Bette wouldn’t let up. Tina had pushed way too many wrong buttons.
“I know it is hard to believe that it wasn’t real, but trust me, our brains play tricks on us all the time. Right now my brain is telling me that you are the most beautiful, irresistible person on the planet and I want to have you for breakfast, lunch, dinner and desert. But we know that’s just my brain playing tricks on me.

“Or maybe just your mouth running wild as usual.”

“Oh honey, I don’t think you know what that really means. My. Mouth. Running. Wild…” Bette softly and slowly enunciating every word, letting Tina know precisely what she meant.

“Maybe me coming over there right now is not a good idea …” Tina uttered, even as she held back a moan.

“What? Tina … I would never hurt you. I won’t do anything you don’t want me to, I promise.” Bette stood up and eyed her messy surroundings. If she didn’t want Tina in cardiac arrest, she certainly needed to clean this place up before the blonde came here and freaked out.

“No, Bette, it isn’t that,” her heart fluttered in her chest. How could Bette think that I was capable of such thoughts. “It just won’t be right, with Alice away… It won’t be right. Just promise me that you will take care of yourself. Drink plenty of fluids, get some rest. I will see you the day after tomorrow.”

“When and where?” Bette asked, unable to keep the pleading out of her voice.

“4pm. You know where.”

Click.

Bette stared at her phone till the Operator started begging ‘if you’d like to make a call please hang up and dial again.’

“No, thanks. I am not that desperate.” Not that the Operator could hear.

Strangely, she felt better after hearing from Tina.

Her soothing voice had re-energized her and got her back on her feet. That’s the only meds she needed to get her wits together and her life back in order.

“Damnit, this place is a pigsty. Who lives like this?” She rolled up her sleeves and got down to work.

Present Day,
Grand Central

They parted as friends and something more, something that is hard to define, something that would be best left undefined.

Bette limped towards the lower level of the Main Concourse with Tina taking the upper ramp.

In silence and tears. She was determined not to look back at the life she was leaving behind.

Tina: Would you sacrifice the woman you loved to fulfill your loyalty and obligation to someone else? Even if you knew she was going to be utterly miserable without you.

Bette: I would be a better person for walking away, a better person for not pursuing her for my own selfish needs.

Bette silently berated the irony of her life, cursing herself for becoming a ‘better person’ in the company of Tina. This better person was leading her away from her love. The old Bette may have stopped and given in to her selfish needs. But the Bette who fully realized her love for Tina would stop at nothing to ensure that all her needs and wants were met. And as far as Bette could see, Tina’s need for a family, her devotion and obligation to both Eric and Jack was greater than her want for Bette. The challenge was to start afresh and Bette trudged on.

As she staggered through the gates, she vividly remembered the last time she walked through another set of gates away from Tina. Even in the noisy crowd that was characteristic of rush-hour Grand Central, she could hear the distinct sound of something crashing, breaking, tumbling over and laying still as dead. This time, it was her heart. And somehow, with the absence of contact, it hurt more.

Tears streamed down her cheek. No, she would not look back. She dare not look back.

Tina walked in the opposite direction towards the street level in a trance-like state. Her feet felt as unresponsive and heavy as wooden blocks, unwilling participants in a decision that made neither her mind nor her body happy. But she trudged along even as various conversations shared with Bette came to the forefront of her head.

The first time they met:
Sometimes friendship takes the place of love…and then there is no place left for that special kind of love in our lives.

She thought about the special friend that had taken that place already … She couldn’t even satisfy him … Her time spent with him left her feeling incomplete. In bold and fine print, he had hit the bull’s-eye:

The truth Tina, the truth is that you never married me. You didn’t marry me, did you? You made a compromise. I am the biggest compromise of your life; a compromise that you regret every day of your life, right? You have nothing to give. Not love…Not affection…Not happiness…YOU haven’t even been able to give me a child!

She tried to maintain her composure. Yes, there was a lot of truth in that statement. Truth that both guilted and devastated her. But it was the sort of truth that she felt helpless about—that she could not change. With each step away from Bette, her heart broke into another piece, smaller than the one before. Whereas Eric constantly reminded her of her flaws even without meaning to, Bette put her on a pedestal…

She was like an angel T. Her eyes had the same purity and innocence that I can see in your eyes right now. Her voice had the same celestial spell-binding melody that is in your voice. I can still feel her riveting beauty, the warmth and breathe of fresh air that she radiated.

She took the escalator up towards the entrance. Those words were for her, right? Her heart had realized that but her mind had not till now that Bette had meant them for her. She was that woman; the woman that Bette saw when she closed her eyes. Tina could give Bette what she wanted, couldn’t she?

She got off the escalator, slowing down.

Why are the greatest lovers doomed to be apart? Why are they destined to not be together? Tristan and Isolde…They did not deserve that fate, they did nothing wrong.

Did she dare challenge that fate? Could she re-write this eternal love story in a way that did not spell doom for the lovers? Could she possibly hope for a happy ending to this contemporary tale of star-crossed lovers?

She tried to get her feet to move, to walk down the hallway towards her final destination—the finality of her life with Eric—but her feet were paralyzed. An external force seemed to be redirecting her, urging her throw caution to the winds, to take the plunge. Tina froze even as people milled around past her.

Love is self-assertive, not self-less. To love is to see myself in you, and for you to see yourself in me. And THAT is neither selfish nor self-less. That is a celebration, complete with a symphony.

So you are telling me that if you were Tristan…

…I would hold on to Isolde and never let go

She felt like a character in a slow-motion movie, suspended in time. Paused. There was only one way forward. And it was to go back. Redo.

Tina spun around as fast as she could, as fast as her heels could carry her and run down the escalator going up, much to the annoyance of people around her. She couldn’t care less—she would go against every current, every step, to get to Bette.
And what if I find that love after my walk down the aisle, after I get married to Eric?
If you don’t go looking for it, you won’t find it. And you certainly won’t find it here, sitting on this bench.
No, but she knew where she would find it. And if she hurried, she could catch her from leaving again. She laughed, even as she ran, wiping her tears with one hand, urging people to get out of her way. All the questions she had sought answers to were there from the very beginning—buried in the text.

Finally, she was on the platform. Shit, her train was already here. How am I ever going to find her in this crowd? Think Tina. Look for the most gorgeous woman with the most perplexing walk-limp.

Her feet hurt. The darn heels were killing her. Her lungs begged for air even as she ran down the platform, her eyes darting from the people inside the train to the people boarding. Finally, she saw her… Bette was standing with her back to her a few yards away about to board the train.

Tina stopped. She gathered her breathe and called for her with everything she had inside her.

BETTE!

Maybe all of New York heard her. Maybe not. It didn’t matter. Tina might as well have saved all that energy.

Why? Bette already knew that Tina was behind her. She heard the frantic footsteps, the clicking of those heels. Her heart accelerated to match the rhythm set by Tina even as she stood there, facing away from her. And her own feet wouldn’t let her go any further. She couldn’t board that train. She had to look back. Even if this was the last time she would do so.

Bette sucked in a sharp breathe and turned, letting it out again as she took in the gorgeous sight of Tina. She was panting from the exertion, half-crying, half-smiling, but nonetheless, Bette had never seen anything or anyone more beautiful. Tina was glowing, positively radiating for the first time since Bette had known her. This was the picture of Tina she always wanted to preserve in her mind. This was how she wanted to recall the love of her life.

Tina couldn’t believe her eyes. Bette was here, right in front of her. Her eyes were dark and unreadable, her face wore a slightly perplexed and questioning expression waiting for Tina to explain her outburst.

She didn’t know what to say. She didn’t know how to explain it. She searched her mind for something to say. Anything at all.

Lets start from the top. Her voice cracked as she managed to gasp:

“I like blue…”

There is your answer Bette. It does matter. It matters a whole lot.

Bette smiled unsurely. A little more. Then she grinned. And it only got wider as Tina mustered up enough energy to cover the distance between them, once and for all. She tossed her handbag aside, and flung herself at Bette, and this time, neither of them fell over as Bette stood her ground. If either one heard the applause around them, they paid no attention.

They had hugged many times. But this one was special. It signaled an acknowledgment of something new, something more. Tina ran her hands through her hair, down her back, breathing in the intoxicating fragrance that threatened to make her giddy. Bette tightened her hold on Tina, stroking her back as she held her.

After some time…

“I don’t think I can support a vertical position with my knee.” She grinned into the blonde hair, expected a smack that never came, and even as Tina protested, Bette pulled back to look at her.

Tina grinned up at her, stroking her jaw softly. “We’ll improvise.”

“Improvise?” Bette raised her eyebrows, partly shocked, partly questioning, mostly amused.

“Improvise.” She nodded in confirmation.

“So…”

“So?”

“How about that cup of coffee?”
Unable to think about something else. Too nervous and jittery to mention anything about hotel rooms. That would come later.

“What is with you and coffee? Besides the bitter taste, of course.”
The teasing was back.

Oh no, she didn’t just comment about how I taste.

“If you must know, we slept together but she never called me again. When I finally caught up with her one day and asked why, she said I had ruined her reputation. The sex between us was so good, that she was worn out and fell asleep after the first round!”

Bette spied the quizzical look on Tina’s face and continued, totally animated, “Don’t you see. Coffee? Falling Asleep? It’s ironic, absolutely brilliant…” and continued to explain, beating the poor joke to death.

Tina just stared with wonderment, ignoring Bette. “Every time I think you have run out of the most utterly ridiculous things to say, you prove me wrong.”

“That isn’t too hard.” She paused and flashed an impish grin.

“I know…”

“Proving you wrong…”

“What?! Bette!”

Smack!

“Ouch… Good, you really are Tina. Just making sure.”

They smiled in unison and leaned their foreheads together, arms wrapped tightly around each other, their lips inching closer, their minds oblivious to everyone milling about, everyone but each other.

Tina closed her eyes and parted her lips, desire for Bette taking over all other senses. Seconds before finally claiming her lips, Bette paused…She had to give Tina one last chance for an ‘out.’

“What are we doing?”

It was a feeble , half-hearted attempt.

“Shhh …”

She closed the final gap between them.