Even the Fear is Gone

“The more I’m afraid of something, the more I know I have to do it. I figured that out when I was a kid. I can lead a protected life, hiding away from the scary world. Or, I can take on the things that scare me the most. The more it might hurt, the more I might die doing it… the more worth doing it must be.”

-Marlee Matlin

I am officially as out as I can be and it’s actually a downer. People somehow think I am brave. What? There’s nothing brave about being yourself.

Is it lack of fear or just downright recklessness? Maybe a bit of both. I am so numb that I no longer care. At the same time, I realize that I have nothing left to lose so it doesn’t matter.

I actually don’t understand what all the hype and fear is about. It’s actually quite like being ‘gay and closeted’ — nothing really happens after you come out, besides the occasional slur, marginalization and deprivation of basic civil rights. But we knew that already.

Why do we give the state so much control and power over our lives? Why do we stoop to the terrorists at ICE? When we fear the system that oppresses us, we have lost already. And I don’t do losing. Despite several layers of systemic inequities, there are some things that I can control–being open, direct and honest about myself is one of those things. Not supporting a bureaucracy and system with my hard-work and taxes is another one of those things.

Now, if I have to stay true to myself, I have to find something that really scares me and just do it. Leaving everything I know is scary–I must do it again.