10 August 2011 ~ 10 Comments

How To Place Yourself In Deportation Proceedings

If you are undocumented, you cannot just walk into a local ICE office and demand a “Notice to Appear” issued for you. They’ll tell you that there is nothing they can do for you. You can occupy Congressional offices and shut down traffic for hours on the busiest streets in Los Angeles, but ICE will simply pay you a visit in jail, tell you not to do it again and leave you alone. It takes real skills and a lot of hard-work to get yourself placed in proceedings so here is a list of how to do so:

1. Drive while brown or black. Do something outrageous like barking at a dog while you are at a stop-light or not coming to a complete stop at a stop sign.
2. Walk home drunk with a few other brown friends.
3. Look for a day-job to make a living for your family and make sure to stand out in a totally white neighborhood rather than a random Home Depot.
4. Get lost looking for a McDonald’s and accidentally drive into Canada and try to talk your way back into the U.S.
5. Try to leave the country through the Southwest border. You are likely to get arrested and placed in jail before any sort of hearing. Actually, you may not even get a hearing.
6. Travel on Amtrak within 100 miles of the border for graduate school orientation. You should know better as a brown person — seeking higher education is a huge offense.
7. File for asylum at the border after facing horrific persecution in your home country. Wait many years for the claim to be adjudicated, build a life and family here and then get your asylum claim denied.
8. Be quadriplegic or better yet, a four-year-old U.S. citizen.
9. Call the police for help when your spouse abuses you, or better yet, divorce your abusive H-1 spouse.
10. Turn 21 — age-out — after waiting for years for the priority date of a family visa petition and insist on filing for adjustment of status anyway because you think it is preposterous that your mother isn’t your “immediate relative.”

***This post is supposed to be satire. It is not meant as legal advice. Nothing on this site creates an attorney-client relationship or replaces advice from a competent attorney. Success in one case does not guarantee success in all cases. ***

 

  • Guest101

    Sounds about right.

  • Guest101

    Sounds about right.

  • http://citizenorange.com/orange/ David Bennion

    spot on, as usual.

    i hope, though, that in light of the new DHS prosecutorial discretion guidelines, people do start turning themselves in to the ICE office and demanding they be placed into proceedings.  if that requires committing nonviolent civil disobedience right in the office, it would be a small price to pay. 

    ICE would likely still refuse to issue or file an NTA, or would carve out this category of people from relief under the new guidelines.  if they did the former, it would drive conservatives and ICE officers themselves crazy, further polarizing the debate and exerting additional pressure on Obama to take firm positions on immigration policy. 

    if the latter, Obama wouldn’t have a clean message to send to the pro-migrant voters he is desperately (and successfully) trying to mislead.  direct action of this kind could open the floodgates to civil disobedience by non-dreamers, or expose the limitations of the new policy, which only helps some fraction of the 3% of undocumented (for lack of a better term) immigrants currently in proceedings.

  • http://citizenorange.com/orange/ David Bennion

    spot on, as usual.

    i hope, though, that in light of the new DHS prosecutorial discretion guidelines, people do start turning themselves in to the ICE office and demanding they be placed into proceedings.  if that requires committing nonviolent civil disobedience right in the office, it would be a small price to pay. 

    ICE would likely still refuse to issue or file an NTA, or would carve out this category of people from relief under the new guidelines.  if they did the former, it would drive conservatives and ICE officers themselves crazy, further polarizing the debate and exerting additional pressure on Obama to take firm positions on immigration policy. 

    if the latter, Obama wouldn’t have a clean message to send to the pro-migrant voters he is desperately (and successfully) trying to mislead.  direct action of this kind could open the floodgates to civil disobedience by non-dreamers, or expose the limitations of the new policy, which only helps some fraction of the 3% of undocumented (for lack of a better term) immigrants currently in proceedings.

  • Executive Officer

    My wife was detained today.  They pulled her visa because she had my children while we made a life for ourselves in the USA.  She was on a B1 visa and obviously overstayed.  So, after she attempts to cross the border to buy some stuff for our family (her visa is valid and I’ve been deported), they ask our 9 year old autistic son where he lives and he answers Colorado.  They pull my aunt, son and wife our of the car, detain all 3, release my son and aunt and then do removal proceedings because she had no right to give birth in the US on a B1 visa.  LMAO – They detained her for 9 hours and forbade her to enter the country for 5 years.  How nice.

    • http://prernalal.com/ Prerna Lal

      Well, they initiated removal proceedings because she overstayed her visa, not because she had a child here but I get what you are saying. I’m sorry about the experience Mario — that sounds horrifying, especially the prospect of being separated from your children. Hoping your wife gets to stay or that in the least, she is not separated from the children either.

    • Suzcvet

      instead of focusing on the background on the citizen and what good they can bring to the table, trying to work with us immigration is like climbing up a steep hill.  if you have the money to pay the penalties and invest then i’m sure they can work with you — but if you just want to be a good citizen, stay humble then they will bully you to set an example.

      it’s really a sad situation.  break up a family all because under one of their fineprints they stated that this wife and mother broke their law.  maybe if they made their law more user friendly then people can apply and the law would not hae to be broken.

      they make you break the law because there are no options.  i know a number of good friends who are struggling through this system and are getting no where.  at the end of the day it’s all about the money and not the quality of what one can bring to the table.

      this system is in desperate need of change — but sadly i cannot see this happening.

      not only have they broken up a family, placed hardship both emotionally and financially, but they justify it.  shame, shame on the system.

  • Executive Officer

    My wife was detained today.  They pulled her visa because she had my children while we made a life for ourselves in the USA.  She was on a B1 visa and obviously overstayed.  So, after she attempts to cross the border to buy some stuff for our family (her visa is valid and I’ve been deported), they ask our 9 year old autistic son where he lives and he answers Colorado.  They pull my aunt, son and wife our of the car, detain all 3, release my son and aunt and then do removal proceedings because she had no right to give birth in the US on a B1 visa.  LMAO – They detained her for 9 hours and forbade her to enter the country for 5 years.  How nice.

    • http://prernalal.com/ Prerna Lal

      Well, they initiated removal proceedings because she overstayed her visa, not because she had a child here but I get what you are saying. I’m sorry about the experience Mario — that sounds horrifying, especially the prospect of being separated from your children. Hoping your wife gets to stay or that in the least, she is not separated from the children either.

    • Suzcvet

      instead of focusing on the background on the citizen and what good they can bring to the table, trying to work with us immigration is like climbing up a steep hill.  if you have the money to pay the penalties and invest then i’m sure they can work with you — but if you just want to be a good citizen, stay humble then they will bully you to set an example.

      it’s really a sad situation.  break up a family all because under one of their fineprints they stated that this wife and mother broke their law.  maybe if they made their law more user friendly then people can apply and the law would not hae to be broken.

      they make you break the law because there are no options.  i know a number of good friends who are struggling through this system and are getting no where.  at the end of the day it’s all about the money and not the quality of what one can bring to the table.

      this system is in desperate need of change — but sadly i cannot see this happening.

      not only have they broken up a family, placed hardship both emotionally and financially, but they justify it.  shame, shame on the system.