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V-Day Special: Dating for Nativists 101
Much like other American holidays, Valentine’s Day is a time to spend money on your loved ones. I decided to take a few hours out of the year to spread the love for our anti-immigrant friends, who might be in need of dating tips. After all, nativism is just uncool and unsexy; one look at hate-fests and we know why nativists are in need of love in their lives.
Here are some dos and don’ts for nativists:
Don’t blame immigrants for stealing your women: Nativists really love to believe that everything is a zero-sum game. For every undocumented student in college, a United States citizen loses their spot and for every undocumented immigrant working, an American citizen is jobless and so on. Just don’t blame immigrants for the fact that you are single. America is all about competition and survival of the fittest.
Don’t ask potential dates for their “papers”: This pre-screening tactic is completely unattractive. Worry less about green cards and more about green notes. Let the young undocumented immigrants worry about marrying for papers.
Don’t scream “You Lie” when your date or loved on is trying to articulate something. Do I need to say more on this one?
Don’t look for dates online: The ALL-CAPS and constant incorrect spelling of words are not at all sexy. Take a look: “YOU LOOKS LIK A GREAT GAL. WILL YOU GO OUT WIT ME?” Maybe I am a spelling snob, but would you really date someone who asks you out like that? Take a break from hating immigrants, get off the computer for a bit, go out for a walk. Who knows? Maybe you will find the immigrant of your dreams.
Do practice honesty: Admitting to being “a proud racist” might garner more attention than saying that you are an “American patriot.” And you might just find someone from the neo-Nazi camp that you can openly talk to about your feelings rather than hiding behind phrases like “illegal is illegal.”
Do not unnecessarily narrow the dating pool by eliminating undocumented immigrants: “We need a 20ft wall from coast to coast to keep Mexicans out of our country” is probably why a nativist might struggle to find a date. Nativists decrease their own dating pool of candidates when they start to designate whether people have humanity based on their immigration status. It is doubtful that any of the 38 million undocumented immigrants would want to date an anti-immigrant advocate, but that is a large number of attractive people to eliminate.
You do have the power to turn illegal into legal: Related to the previous one, every American citizen can do their own private immigration bill. Since anti-immigrants hate all things that are illegal, maybe they can marry undocumented immigrants to make them legal. It’s a win-win situation. Remember, it doesn’t matter who you fall in love with, as long as you have love in your life.
We need more anti-immigrants out there “playing the field” so that they can vent more of their misgivings and failures on dates and hook-ups. We are all better off without those long lonely nights spent by nativists scrounging the web for articles on immigration just to copy-paste their sexually frustrated vitriol.
Happy V-Day and Happy Singles Awareness Day.
Photo Credit: mysza831